i don't know why i'm so happy today. i'm going to london tomorrow. but tonight i have to finish a screenplay/two scenes from macbeth that i've turned into a mob movie set almost a hundred years in the future.  i want to give them superpowers too, but my limit is 1500 words *sigh*

lately i've been slightly frightened that everyone can guess just by looking at me and seeing my reaction to things.  is it really that obvious?  i need to work on hiding this better.  also, i've got to learn not to just expect things; i will end up disappointed.

i should pray more about next semester.  so many magical options from all over the world!  should i pick what i want? what she's telling me to pick?  where he is? where he isn't?  somewhere hot and with beaches? somewhere in europe? somewhere with good food?  i don't know. i keep changing my mind.  i'll talk to my "counselor" about it tomorrow morning at nine after breakfast! yes. i'm going to breakfast.

oh crap. already ten o'clock. i have papers to write and cv's to bs. and things to ignore. and i was given a chocolate today. i was also handed a compliment on my attire. tomorrow we're going to have fireworks and cheap indian food and maybe someday i'll be the kind of person who can command a classroom.

no one is under-qualified for a position as a student missionary. i have something to give.  i can't wait to find out what it is!

i'm not one for staying out late.  tonight was fun though.  i'm starting to understand some things. 

what i want to say -

1. i'm excited for these next few months!  actually, i'm excited for all the way up until a year after i graduate from college. i have somewhat of a plan now, although everything could change in a heartbeat.  and then there's all the time inbetween the fun times haha but let's not think too deeply.  let's just think about the travel! and the friends! and the soon-to-come memories! and my quickly emptying bank account!

2. what do i have to show for tonight? and why does that matter?

3. i should stop talking about a certain person.  that part of my life is over. and i wish i didn't have a mini-crush now, but at the same time i like it. ugh.

and that's all. interesting stuff my life is composed of.  would i want my friends to be eaten by sharks so my life would be as interesting as the life aquatic? good question.

actually, i feel like i don't have to fall into like right now.  thank goodness i have a bit of control.  he's not my type anyway.  no one here is and i find this both sad and a little bit liberating.  boring but easy.  apparently it's bad to want to live as a hermit.  but it's also bad to wish for someone like i did (do?).  i was so in love with a certain way of feeling. ugh, have a poem -

I thou must love me, let it be for naught except for love's sake only.
Do not say I love him for his smile--his look--his way of speaking gently--
for a trick of thought that falls in well with mine, and certain brought a sense of
pleasant ease on such a day--for these things in themselves, Beloved, may be changed
or change for thee--and love, so wrought may be unwrought so.
 
Neither love me for thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry--a creature might forget to weep,
who bore thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby.  But love me for love's sake, that
evermore thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.
 
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning